I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
