omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
