Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
