I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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