Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
