I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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