Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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