I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
