i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
