i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
