I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
