K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
