either way he was missing a nipple.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
