no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
