I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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