Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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