I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
