if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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