yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
