fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
