they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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