Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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