Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
