I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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