Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
