I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
