I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
