God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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