I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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