You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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