hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Welp...herpes.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
