so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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