i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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