Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
