Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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