Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
