There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
