No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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