This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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