A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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