Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
