I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
