Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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