I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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