Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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