My underwear smells like fireworks.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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