I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
