because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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