and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
