I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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