Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my phone needs a breathalizer
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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