I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
