i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
