I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
home. puking in laundry basket.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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